Why learning was difficult.

Well now I know that I had ADHD. But back when I was a kid, off course neither me or my parents knew. I will admit back then from a certain age,whatever any one tried to teach me would make me angry. (Sorry Mum sorry Dad).  My parents really tried, but I just didnt have the words to explain that I just couldnt comprehend what was being explained to me. I would get angry, I wanted to scream, to cry. It was a painfull experience and in some ways I became destructive to property and to myself. Punching doors was my favourite thing. Or stabbing my desk with my penknife. Some how my Mother taught me to read, then when she knew I could comprehend she put amazing literature in front of me. My love of reading comes from my Mothers efforts. My Dad had infinate patience, even when I took my bike apart, bits it was in. He rebuilt it for me. Dad taught me how to look after my car, change a tire, fix a bike.He actually taught me whether he realises it or not quite a lot of practical usefull tools. Even with all that as I grew up how could I admit that I didnt want to learn to drive because I was afraid. So much going on at once, especially with all the chaos in my head. I think by that age 16 or 18 I already had BPD. Going to work was chaos, it took so much mental effort not to do some thing stupid. I would often finish work, and bye the time I was walking home from the station I would be crying. I wish I had the words the understanding back then.  Once when I worked in the Jewellery business (a very prestigious company) a rather lovely young lady came in took look at diamond pendants. I must admit at the age of 23 or 24 most women especially pretty ones would have me shaking in fear. Any way I put the single diamond solitaire pendant around the ladies neck then let go I was shaking so much. Right into her cleaving went the pendant followed closely by my hand. That was my last day selling Jewellery. Watches a much safer bet. Lets just say it was stressfull I never knew what I would do impusively next. I could go on every job every bit of studying was filled with the same amount of fear and stress. Even my sucesses were held together by pure fear luck stress and chaos. But I must say in the last few years, I do feel calmer more at peace more able to take on challenges. Even if I still take time to make my decisions. Sorry for all the chaos, Im going to laugh and cry about it and thank Gd my parents and anyone else for making me me.