A moment of Clarity.

I should have been calling this post frayed at the edges. I have been home now for five months. In that time I have managed to stop walking, stop going to yoga, stop going to my martial arts. I have also stopped believing in myself and I have stopped trying.

This is a harsh critique of myself, but it is true. I realised today after weeks no months of self doubt of trying to convince myself that of course my recovery was going to be fleeting because that is the way with mental health. Of course my complex diagnosis gives me the opportunity to hide behind it. I have said this before yes life is difficult, sometimes it feels almost impossible. I do hide behind the diagnosis, I must admit I really miss the guy who came back from the Camino. I realise that he is not my alter ego nor a manisfestation. But me without the baggage of the diagnosis. Yes I knew it but when I came home it all seemed so unimportant. I felt like I was a giant, that nothing was impossible and actually everything is possible. I promised myself today, even though Ive got to climb the mountain again that I can and will. I like the new me and thats who I want back. I saw a great quote months back ” The only guy I have to be better than is the guy I am right now”.

Tomorrow is a new day, its not going to be easy but here I go again, pick myself up and keep moving forward.